It’s My Life and Damn It It’s My Depression Too! or I’m Stuck With Me All Day.
Posted: Tuesday, December 29, 2009
by Daniel Sullivan
Air Purifying and Filters
I am going to start this out by telling everyone out there that I am not qualified by any school in psychiatry or psychology. I am a regular everyday person with a wife, kids, house, two cars, three cats, and unemployed (just like 10% of America at this time). I have been suffering from depression for years without really knowing about it.
One day when Billy was 18 my wife took him to his routine visit to the specialist. Billy complained about a pain in his side. This took the nurse by surprise because he never complained about pain. You see Billy had a very high threshold of pain and suffered from Cystic Fibrosis. So the doctors ordered a ct scan and found a blockage in Billy's colon. At this point there really wasn't a concern, since Billy showed no signs of Cancer. So a colonoscopy was performed.
Sure enough it was a tumor. The doctor who performed the test told us that at this point he could tell it was malignant, but the biopsy would really tell us what was going on. He then said "do you have any questions?" How, what, questions , Ann how, complete confusion in my head. Just to think ten minutes ago I thought this was just a normal day and now I got this guy who specializes in sticking tubes up people's butts telling me my son has a malignant growth in his colon. What the hell?
So Billy goes through the chemo treatments and has to stop one-third of the way in because his CF has acted up and he needs to go into the hospital. God can be extremely cruel sometimes. The cancer spread everywhere. We spent the next two months watching our son suffer, until one day God ends it for him at 6:30am.
People literally do not know what to say after your child dies. They mean well, but some of the things said just hurt too much, examples are, "God needs him more than you" or "at least his suffering has ended". Please, if you know someone whose child has just died resist saying these words. Please just do not say anything, just give them a hug.
I went into a depressive state. I started seeing a psychologist and things were starting to look good. We held off on medication for a while until she has time to assess my issues. She gave me exercises to do and goals for each week. I was going along fine for a while. I then get some antidepressants from a psychiatrist. And I am feeling really good. Things are going well at home, I am happy, I am under a huge amount of pressure at work, but so what, I can handle it since I am now Superman. Throw away those pills I don't need them anymore, do the exercises the therapist gave, naw waste of time. I am back and better than ever baby. I do not need any more help, although I continued in therapy, but just because it got me out of work early. Just call me the comeback kid.
Yeah nice come kid you dumb ass. At one point in our lives we all think we know more than the rest of the world. I was sure I was pass this thing, after all what do the doctors know, they only spend an hour a week with me. I'm stuck with me all day long. So I go off the medication without telling anyone. I hid the bottles in my dresser. No way in hell did I need those pills. There are sometimes when I wouldn't be any dumber if they cut my head off. What was I thinking? Of course I was right back where I started only this time the suicide thoughts took over my life.
I have all those pills saved up so that is what I will take. The problem now is when and where. I planned this thing for two to three weeks. I have my suicide packet with me where ever I go, just in case I figure it's time. The time came. I play golf every Sunday and after golf of course you have a few beers. So I put my packet in my golf bag. Go out play golf, (which is an indication of how suicidal I was) finish the round and as I am putting my clubs into the car I take out my pills. Go into the bathroom and swallow. Let's go celebrate. Yes celebrate, pour down some beers and that should be the icing on the cake. This was the first time in a long time I felt at peace and in control. Was I afraid of death, hell no, I looked forward to it in my mind. The other side has to be better no matter what those Catholic Nuns told me. I was more afraid of living.
I do not remember much after that. Somehow, someway I survived. I drove home that day, (don't know how), I remember telling my wife I was not feeling good, expected to lay in my chair watch the ball game and fall asleep forever. Wrong. You see I woke up the next morning. I couldn't walk straight, but I was up. I will bet you cannot guess the first thought that went through my mind. If you said "Thank God I'm alive" you would be buying the beers. My first thought was, "How did I screw this up?" I took all the pills I had in the house and drank beer until I was peeing out of my ears and I am still here. Damn it.
Well my wife took me to the doctor because she noticed I was not walking very well and the diagnosis was vertigo. More pills to take, but this time my wife is controlling them so I cannot get to them at this point. I do not remember much of that day, but for the next five days I did nothing but sleep. I was unable to leave the house until 6 days later. Still at this point I have not told anyone what I did. I was planning another attempt.
I obviously missed that week of therapy. I return to work and therapy the following week. For some reason I tell my therapist what I did and what I was planning. The first question she asks me is does my wife know. Well, if my wife knew I don't think I would be sitting here talking to you, she may have finished the job. So my next hurdle is to tell my wife and go to the hospital. You talk about stress. I had no idea what her reaction would be or maybe I did. Well she yelled and cried and asked why and what are we going to do. I told her that I just could not deal with life anymore, but I was going to get help in the hospital.
So off I go to Shangri la on the third floor psych unit. I had no idea what to expect. I kept having visions of the movie One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. If Jack Nicolson comes to the door or some big Indian, I'm running.
The one thing you need to pay attention to is, make sure you are who they say you are. My name is very common, as a matter of fact we have 5 Dan Sullivan's in my family alone. Apparently it is a very popular name amongst the folks checking into the Hotel Fruit Loops. So as we are finishing up the interview, and the nurse says to me, so I assume you will be starting your ECT's in the next couple of days. Whhhhhhhat? ECT's what? (ECT is the modern day Electric Shock Therapy.) How, who, where do I find new underwear? It turns out the doctor that had admitted me had another patience with the same name and he was a little further gone than I was.
So I finally get past the big doors. It is nothing like the movies. This is not that bad, except for the fact you are there. But, there are some inconviences, for example the fifteen minute checks while you are sleeping, the random room searches, and the fact you are surrounded by people who have a lot of mental trouble.
The Counselors and the Nursing staff were great. They treated us with dignity. Not at all what I expected, and they watched you. If you even had a sign of being depressed they approached you to make sure everything was fine, if not they took you into your room and talked it out. A lot of these folks either had relatives with mental illness or were depressive at one time themselves, so they knew the feeling.
I learned three things during this experience, 1) there is only one day a week that counts and that is today, 2) be positive you will reach your dream, this keeps you on track and 3) God is not always kind. After seven days I am out and onto the next step of recovery. I have to attend a partial out patient program for the next three weeks. Excellent people once again. The group I was with were mostly the ones I was with when I was upstairs, but only smaller. At first I thought this was all a bunch of BS, but with time I learned to do the the work, (and if you want to get better it is work) and after my time was up I was ready to go home with a new regiment of drugs and mental therapy to go through.
I did the work and also use other resources such Louise Hays. My life was turned around; I was happy and started back to work. Well, the house of cards started to crumble, the pressure was unimaginable. People were being let go left and right at work. Consultant were coming in making $1,000 per day as our accounting staff that made less were let go. I apparently was not the only one at this place that should have been locked up. Eventually my employment ended with that company.
In years past I would have been devasted, but now with what I had gone through, I looked at this as the best thing that has happened in my life. At the age of 52 I can start over again. Due to getting the proper help and changing my train of thought I am happy. And that's what counts. I have a chance to do something that will make me happy, and I have found it.
In conclusion, the bottom line is every one of us is different. We all react differently to the same situation. But whatever happens put your head down and keep working towards your own happiness. Most importantly learn to laugh and keep laughing. I can tell you from experience happiness and laughter are the ultimate feelings.
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Top-level comments on this article: (8 total)A very touching story. I wish you good luck in the future.Thank you. All the best to you in 2010.
You have learned so much by your suffering.I would rather have been left a shallow, dull person than one who has evolved, just as you have, through my suffering and pain, but our preplanned blueprints for this lifetime and our karma have directed us elsewhere and otherwise.May God bless and elevate us both without our suffering more.You shall see and hold and love your son when you ascend to Heaven but you'd never would have if you had taken your own life.Ironies abound and tyrannies abound as our lives are controlled by our spirits beforehand who paid little heed or attention to our bodies, but just to our spirit's growth through our harsh travails.Paul SchroederDear Paul, Thank you for the inspiring words.
Hi Daniel. I just finished reading a very helpful article by one of the SW authors. You may want to read it. What you shared with me is enormously helpful. Thank you so much. May the New Year brings you lots of laughter and good health.Best regards, ~Nenita~http://searchwarp.com/swa561970-Gods-Light-And-Help-Is-Within-You-Curing-Clinical-Depression-With-Affirmations.htmDear Nenita, Thank you very much for your comments. I did read the article and I have printed it out and taped it to my closet door as a daily reminder. I wish you all the best in 2010.You are welcome and wishing you the same.
A gut wrenching story.Best wishes for the coming years.Have a safe and happy New Year. All the best to you in 2010.
Thank you for sharing this with your readers - it took courage to be able to share your heart! I totally agree with the hug part - that is the best way to share someones grief. Marijo (Mary Jo)Thank you Marijo. Sometimes the best intended words can hurt. Have a great New Year.
'Welcome to SearchWarp' and thanks for sharing your very heavy load. I look forward to reading your next story about your HAPPY times to comeThank you. All the best to you in 2010.
Daniel Sullivan:One night I took enuf reds (Seconal) to put an elephant to sleep. The next morning when I woke, I was so disappointed in my failed effort to die. I couldn't even get that straight. My life was a mess that had no hope of ever getting straight. But God had a plan for my life that I knew nothing about. After years of alcoholic and drug abuse, illicit sex and simply running wild, it ended by falling in love with a woman who demanded I come clean and stop trying to do myself in. Since that day in '81 I have been 'dry.' Almost four months ago, my first child was born. I'm almost 70 years old. What does it all mean? I tried 5 times to kill myself in the past. What does it all mean? There is an answer; I'm looking for it.I think the answer is what we are all looking for and it is within each of us. My answer was just to be happy and enjoy life as I know it. I tried to bury my troubles with alcohol and medication and nothing worked until I stepped outside of myself with the help of the psychiatric staff and realized I had the answer all along. Make myself happy. I looked deep inside and after all the troubles that is what I found. Good luck to you and I hope you find your answer.
God doesn't exist, you moron.
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